


Wistful Thinking

by thundercaya



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Longing, M/M, Workplace Warzone compliant, obviously there's hamliza in here but that's not the focus so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2019-02-02 21:36:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12734778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thundercaya/pseuds/thundercaya
Summary: For the most part John lives with the fact that Alex chose Eliza, but it's still hard seeing them together.





	Wistful Thinking

John Laurens does not spend much time in DC.

Nothing wrong with the place itself. Good architecture. Nice parks. The weather isn’t any worse than South Carolina. His father even wanted him to go into politics at one time. No, what keeps him away from the Capitol is the presence of one Alexander Hamilton.

John doesn’t hate Alex. In fact, he misses the man dearly, at all times, with every fiber of his being. He wants nothing more than to see Alex, to touch him, to have him. That last one is the problem. He can’t have Alex, and while texts and emails and phone calls are bittersweet and just barely tolerable, being around him is too painful to bear.

It’s worse if Alex’s wife Eliza is around, and seeing as she won’t let Alex be alone with John, she usually is.

Tonight John Laurens is in DC.

He spotted Alex hours ago.

Eliza is with him.

John has not approached them.

George Washington’s birthday party. Not the big one with press and photographers and formal wear and musical performances, but the small one thrown by his wife with only the people closest to him. That means select politicians, a few family members and old family friends, and of course Washington’s boys from the war. As much as John doesn’t want to be here, there was no way he could refuse. 

Gilbert is here, the one of them who had taken most to Washington’s paternal attitude towards them. He’s talking animatedly to Washington about his children back home in France. John would love to catch up with Gilbert and hear all about his children, but being the furthest away, Gilbert is the one Washington sees the least. John decides it’s best not to intrude.

Thomas Jefferson is here. John hasn’t talked to him much himself, but Alex hates him and never tires of talking about that fact. James Madison was invited, but isn’t here. “He’s sick,” Alex would have said at one time. “He’s pretending to be sick,” Alex would probably say now, his opinion of the man having changed drastically since his team-up with Jefferson. Alex is under the impression that they’re dating, and while John trusts Alex’s gaydar, the match between the tall, well-formed Secretary of State and the congressman who always looks either ready for the grave or like he’s just been dug out of one seems too absurd to even consider.

Some of Washington’s friends--southerners mostly--know John’s father and give him well-wishes to deliver to the man. John tolerates these exchanges, sipping the drink in his hand until he’s free again, at which point he drains his glass and replaces it before the next greeting.  He’s going to be very very drunk before he gets the chance to talk to either Gilbert or Washington, but he needs to be before he can even think about talking to Alex, and given the small size of this party, it’s inevitable that he will.

Still, John does an admirable job avoiding eye contact with Alex for as long as he does, though with Eliza on his arm, Alex is probably contributing to that feat himself.

Eliza gets pulled into a conversation with Gilbert’s wife. Alex orbits the conversation at first, but the next time John steals a glance in that direction, Alex has been pulled aside to chat with Gilbert. John looks away once more, but this is a mistake because by the time he looks again, Gilbert and Alex are heading towards him and they’re too close for him to pretend he doesn’t see them and walk away.

“Laurens!” Gilbert greets, embracing John firmly. “It’s good to see you, my friend.”

“You, too,” John says, sincerely, because it is, but he’s still upset with the man for what he’s just done and for what John knows is going to happen next. Gilbert is not match-making--even if Eliza were not present, he likes her too much--but this is calculated nonetheless. “We need to catch up,” John says, hoping to avoid the trap.

“In good time,” Gilbert says. “My Adrienne needs a refill. I’ll be back.” He pats John on the shoulder and shoots a smile at Alex before making his way to the drink table. John watches him go before finally turning to Alex.

“Hey,” John says, before putting his hand out stiffly.

Alex takes his hand then pulls John in for a hug with the other arm. “Laurens. I’ve missed you.”

Alex is warm and his hold is firm, and this close, John can smell him. Alex used to smell like sweat and dirt and gunpowder. He used to smell like war and death. And while none of those things are particularly good smells on anyone, they’re so wrapped up with Alex in John's brain that he can admit he loves them on him.

Now Alex smells like expensive cologne, possibly picked out by Eliza, definitely paid for by her.

“I've missed you, too,” John says once they end their embrace.

John has never once felt guilty that his time with Alex continued after the man was married. After all, John was there first. John thought he understood the marriage. Death was a very real possibility during the war, and while neither John nor Alex had been afraid of or even opposed to dying, the idea of leaving nothing behind was terrifying. A child was a living legacy. John couldn't give him a child. Eliza could. John, with a child of his own, could understand.

Of course he knows now that he did not understand at all. Alex wasn’t collecting future mourners by gaining a wife and child. Alex loved Eliza. Loves Eliza. And Eliza knows that Alex loves her more than he loves John. Because Alex told her everything.

John wishes Alex hadn't told. That way, even if John couldn't be with him, even if they weren’t sneaking off to be alone, they'd at least have a secret, something for just them to share. But after the war, Alex had come home to Eliza’s utter devotion and had been riddled with guilt. He confessed, and now not only has Eliza won, but she knows it.

John exchanges some idle chit chat with Alex, all surface discussions. What each has been working on. What’s on Netflix. How gaudy Thomas Jefferson’s suit is. On a deeper level, there’s nothing to say even if they could say it here. Alex keeps his hand on John’s shoulder the whole time, and maybe that alone is worth the awkward tension wound inextricably around this moment. 

Gilbert rejoins them after a few minutes, his arrival as much a disappointment as it is a relief.

“Alexander, your wife is asking for you.”

Alex locks eyes John, his eyes brimming with a wistful sort of affection. “Will I see you again before you leave town?”

“We’ll see,” John says, and he knows Alex knows that's a negative. Alex continues to smile nonetheless, gives John’s shoulder one last beautiful squeeze, then returns to Eliza. John watches him go, then turns to Gilbert.

“I hate you,” he says.

Gilbert shrugs, takes a sip from his glass, and hands a glass to John. “I can live with that more easily than you can live without ever speaking to him again.”

John sighs and takes a drink. That’s probably true.


End file.
